it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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