we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
