youre lurking in front of me
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
