apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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