My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
