naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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