She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
