: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
