he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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