Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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