I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
