Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you had me at cake vodka
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
