i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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