You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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