Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
