ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
