Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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