hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
