haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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