She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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