His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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