My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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