You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
But theres a keg here and me gusta
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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