I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize