You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
