he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
