There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He better not be in your backpack
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
