I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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