Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
