don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
