im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
