Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
