Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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