why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
