my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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