Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
