Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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