he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
