I accidentally burped into my bong.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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