My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
