her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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