Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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