I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
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I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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