we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize