The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
