apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
