When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
