Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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