I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
