So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
