Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
