moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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