Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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