Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
