the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
